“How can I get involved in the community”

“How can I get started speaking”?

“How can I become an MVP?”

I get asked these questions all the time, and I generally respond with something like:

“Just get out there and add value. The community is great and welcoming to new people. Start blogging. Start Submitting Sessions. Find something you are passionate about. Reach out to people and build relationships.”

And while that advice is true, there’s a critical piece of advice that I can offer that will help you push through and achieve your goals with the maximum amount of your sanity intact.

Embrace Failure. Accept it as a reality. You are going to fail. Sometimes you catch your failures before anyone notices. Sometimes you are going to fail so spectacularly that it will burn in your belly every time you think about it. You may even fail so badly that you get a new nickname out of it…

Embrace it. Embrace the suck of it. For without Failure you aren’t really growing.

Failure may be the best thing that ever happens to you!

Failure builds character

A lot of people are afraid to put themselves “out there”. They are afraid to write that blog post because they think the idea isn’t good enough. They think someone already wrote about it. They are afraid they might give bad advice. They are afraid of speaking and “freezing up”, fumbling with words, and making a fool of themselves. They are afraid of being ridiculed for their content and people talking behind there back.

Hey, every single one of those fears are valid, and are likely going to happen to you at some point. Embrace it!

I’ve written some pretty bad blogs over the years that may not have given the best advice, or the advice was so specific it didn’t really help anyone. I’ve had people call me out on my blog content. Sometimes they were right, sometimes they were wrong. And it stings, every single time. I’ve written some blogs that I was afraid to push that publish button on so I ran it by several friends first to make sure I don’t sound like an idiot. It still happens. I’m still afraid of pushing that button. But I do it. And it gets easier to do it. And I’ve helped people. And I’ve been told by more people that they are thankful for my content than ridiculed by people who don’t like my content. Guess which I remember more though? Yeah, the negative. If you figure out how to stop that behavior, let me know…

I’ve failed pretty spectacularly in my speaking life as well. I remember the first time I spoke at a conference, I talked so fast that I was done in ½ an hour (It was a 60-minute session).  The crowd just sat there wide-eyed… One guy even piped up “Well… I can tell your passionate about it”.  It stung…  I even had an MVP reach out to me after I spoke one time and said I should never talk about a certain feature of SharePoint again. One thing is for sure, you don’t forget your failures… and that can be a good thing.

I’ve presented sessions that I thought were good and my speaker scores were just horrible. It was like the entire crowd woke up grumpy. How could I have failed so epically on content I’ve delivered before? I was so frustrated and deflated! I’ve struggled on stage to find the correct wording. I’ve had demos fail. I’ve had sessions where only 2 people showed up.

Probably one of my most visible failures was my years of rejection from the MVP program. I started getting nominated for Microsoft MVP back in 2010… and I was rejected… every… single… time until 2015. I was confused. I was putting out decent content, speaking at lots of events, and even organized my own conference a few times… but I kept failing there. I’ve got to be honest, that one stung a lot.

I had a lot of choices for how to respond to all those failures. I could have sat in a corner and pouted. I could have started a flame war telling people how dumb they are. I could have become indignant thinking everyone else was to blame… or I could have used it as an opportunity to grow.

Guess which I chose?

I chose all of them actually… at some level. It wasn’t fun. I remember distinctly at one point that I was so angry that someone got chosen over me, and I was so sure I deserved it more. And at that moment it struck me. Why did I think I deserved it more? What kind of jerk was I to assume such a thing? I should have been happy for that person. I had allowed my ego to get in the way of something I truly enjoyed doing. It took a bit of soul-searching at that point, but I took that opportunity as a chance to embrace the failure and use it to help me become the person I wanted to be. Don’t get me wrong. I still have bad days. We all do, and I’ve somehow built this friend group that will call me out on it… and guess what… those character failures sting too… but I’m thankful for them, because I can use those failures to continue to grow.

If you aren’t failing you likely aren’t growing

Which brings me to my next point. If you aren’t failing, you likely aren’t growing. If you aren’t failing you aren’t taking risks. You aren’t seizing every opportunity. You aren’t asking “what if” enough.

Some people are so afraid of failing that they will spend 2 days trying to figure out if something will work instead of just trying it and seeing what happens. I would much rather spend a day debugging a problem and trying to figure out why my idea failed than spend two days reading trying to see if it’s possible.

How many times have you found a blog post that says you can’t do something in SharePoint? Heck, maybe I should ask you how many times you’ve found such a blog post today? Did you let that stop you or did you find a way to do it? How many times did you fail before you got it to work? How much more did you grow by fighting with SharePoint until you figured it out rather than just accepting failure?

And the thing is, as you grow, these failures become scarier. What if we hire the person and they don’t work out? What if take that new job and can’t do it?

Another failure of mine… wow… this blog post is depressing me… is when I hired a good friend to work with me. I just knew it would work! It was a no-brainer. I’ve known him for years, he’s brilliant, and I trust him. How can it fail? Guess what? It did. The job just wasn’t the right fit. No matter how much I wanted it to work it just wasn’t going to. This failure still haunts me because it caused some hurt to a very dear friend and as far as failing goes, it can’t get much worse than that. I did however learn a lot from the experience and I grew because of it. I learned to set better expectations. I learned better questions to ask, and I learned that my gut isn’t always right.

Failure is always an option. If you aren’t working for an organization where you feel free to fail, then you aren’t working to your full potential.

Wisdom comes from failure

Here’s the thing. We learn SO much more from our failures than our successes. Everyone by now probably knows Thomas Edison’s quote:

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

Failure gives us wisdom. It teaches us things we shouldn’t do again. Failure teaches us WHY we should or shouldn’t do something.

Every failure is an experience. Every failure creates a story that you can tell. People connect with stories. Do you want to hear from someone who “read somewhere” about a best practice, or do you want to hear from the person that actually tried it and failed?

An educated person knows you shouldn’t pee on an electric fence, an experienced person knows why.

Every time you fail, take the opportunity to learn from it.

Credibility comes from failure

Not only do you gain wisdom from failure, but you also gain credibility. I really don’t have anything else to add to this section. The point was addressed in the last section, but I thought it was important enough to single out and say it again. I want to hear from the person that tried and failed. I want to know why I shouldn’t do something. I trust THAT person.

Failure opens new windows

Life, if done properly, is a never-ending series of failures. Boy that sounds bleak, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s how you handle those failures that determine your future.

How many relationships failed before you met your spouse? How many jobs failed before you found the one you are currently at? Would you have married the right person without the experience gained from the previous failures? What you be in your current career without the past failures? Don’t get me wrong… maybe you aren’t in the right career… yet… or maybe you aren’t in the right relationship… yet…  I never said you were done failing.

Back in 2003 I got caught in the tech bubble burst in Austin and was laid off from my job. It was horrible. I had to declare bankruptcy. I had to pack up my family and move back home to Arkansas and move in with my grandmother while we figured out what we were going to do next. As far as failures go, I’m not sure I could have felt more like one. But you know what? That failure was one of the best things that ever happened to me. My father died of cancer in 2006. If I hadn’t been laid off and moved back home I wouldn’t’ have gotten to spend time with my dad those last three years. My kids wouldn’t have gotten that time. Losing a job is nothing compared to losing a loved one.

From a career standpoint I had to take a huge pay-cut (failure), but had I not moved back home I wouldn’t have gotten forced to work in SharePoint back in 2007. Wow, did I hate SharePoint. I couldn’t’ figure how to do anything. It was so alien to me. I kept failing! But, because of those failures I ended up going to a conference in Tulsa, OK where I met some SharePoint folks that encouraged me to get into blogging and speaking…. And I failed there too as previously mentioned. But through all those failures I gained experience, gained character, gained some wisdom, met my business partner, and now run a successful consulting company with her. None of this would have happened without that failure in 2003.

I’m so very thankful for my failures.

Failure and the “Impostor Syndrome”

I find fear of failure closely related to “Impostor Syndrome”. You know, that fear you don’t belong or that you aren’t good enough, that you feel like you are just pretending. It’s all related to a fear of failure.

Guess what? If you never have Impostor Syndrome you aren’t pushing yourself outside your comfort zone and growing. Plus, the minute you stop feeling like an impostor you are going to have to change something about what you are doing. You are going to change the conferences you speak at. You are going to change the content you talk about. You are going to do SOMETHING new and feel like an impostor all over again… good!!!

The worst thing about the “Impostor Syndrome” is that people feel like they are the only ones going through it. Everyone goes thought it. If you aren’t going through it, I’d argue you are either stagnant in your growth or you better be prepared to go through it again as you continue to grow.

The Perils of Avoiding Failure

Let’s say you’ve made it this far through my blog and you’ve decided that you don’t care about the rewards of failure. It’s not worth it to you and you are going to avoid failure at all costs. Well my friend, let me share with you some of the challenges you will face avoiding failure:

Lack of Advancement

I read once that the people who advance faster in their career and earn more money apply for jobs they aren’t qualified for believing they can grow in to the position, while those that wait until they are qualified for a position see much slower career growth. There is a chance of failure if you don’t apply for that job, but what if you do? And you get it? And you are great at it?

So what if you submitted sessions to a dozen conferences and still get rejected? Keep submitting. Keep tweaking your submissions until you find something that “hits”. Maybe your failure has nothing to do with you. Maybe you got rejected because you were one of 137 submissions about an Introduction to Microsoft Flow? Use failure to grow and advance those skills to find what works and you’ll be shocked with the doors that open up.

Bitterness and Boredom

Living a life of “what if” is not fun. I’ve got my fair share of what-if’s and I won’t share that with you guys at this point. If you are living a life avoiding failure though, you are going to see people around you getting ahead while you feel like you are going nowhere. You may even be better qualified than the other person, but THEY took a chance at failure. If you aren’t failing you aren’t trying. Go for that job you want. Ask out that guy or girl that you think is out of reach. Start that blog. Submit that session. Stand up and talk at the risk of sounding stupid. Maybe you won’t get the job, or the girl, or the session. Maybe someone will tell that you are wrong….  But what if the answer is yes? That feeling is worth 100 rejections, and you won’t be asking “what if”.

Tips for Embracing Failure

Okay, maybe you’ve made it THIS far in my post (kudos to you). Let me see if I can give you some advice to help take the sting out of failure, or at least help you brace for it better. I hope I’ve at least convinced you by now that failure is not always a bad thing.

Accept It

I like to stress that if you aren’t failing, you aren’t trying hard enough. You can go through life playing it safe or you can take a chance and accept failure as a valid option. You can prepare, and research, and ask opinions, and do a dozen test runs… but guess what? You STILL might fail. Accept it’s going to happen. What is it they say? “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.”  Whoever “they” are… Sounds like they have had experience with failure.

I’m not saying to not be prepared. I’m not saying you don’t analyze the risk of failing. I’m not saying Kate Beckinsale will accept your dinner invitation, but you’ll never know if you don’t try. Side note, if you are reading this Kate Beckinsale, the offer for dinner is open.

Sometimes the reward will not be worth the risk, and that’s fine…. But what if it is and what if you succeed?

Haters are gonna hate

Along your journey you are going to meet some jerks. You are going to meet some haters. You are going to meet some people having a bad day. Maybe you are just minding your own business, doing your own thing and something you posted or said in a session is going to rub them the wrong way and they are going to take it out on you.

This may be the hardest obstacle to face in your journey towards embracing failure. People can be mean and harsh… and so unfair. They probably don’t know how you cringed before pushing that “submit” button or how you had a minor panic attack before you took the stage. Personal rebuke can be the worst type of rejection and probably the main reason people avoid (or get out of) the community. We’ve all been there…  we all go through it.  Some things to keep in mind though:

Your fans outnumber your haters… always… even if they aren’t as vocal.

Most people are not jerks or haters, you just caught them on a bad day. We’ve all got our own stuff going on and we don’t always do the best at containing it. Hey, they thought enough about you and your content to make you their target…  You made a big enough impact that they noticed.

Be open to feedback. Maybe they lack social graces but are giving you valuable advice. Maybe you can glean some good stuff from it.

Stand up for yourself, but be humble. Even if you think you are right. Even if they were overly harsh. You might just make a new friend out of it.

It’s always going to sting though.

Share your pain (but avoid the pity parties)

Maybe you’ve read some of my rambling today and realized you aren’t alone. I PROMISE you that you aren’t alone. You’ll find if you take a moment to share your pain with your friends that they will all be able to sympathize and lend support and encouragement. Maybe THEY need to see others go through it as well. Misery does love company, and I promise you are in good company.

Learn to let it go though. Don’t hold grudges. Don’t let your pride and ego get in the way of learning from your failures. Everyone fails.

Use failure to fuel your fire

Failure can feel like a gut punch and take the wind out of your sails. You can either let it drive you into a corner with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s or you can accept as a challenge. Actually, you can do both…  I have the stretchy pants to prove it.

Don’t let failure keep you down. You just learned something you can use to lessen your chances of failure next time. Figure out what that is, alter your plan, and try again knowing that you just increased your chances of succeeding next time.

Try not to repeat your failures

Failure is a great teacher and it teaches us what doesn’t work. As much as I truly embrace people failing it is very important that you DO learn from that failure and not repeat the same failure over and over. If you are going to fail more than once, make sure you fail differently. You can’t do the same thing over and over and expect a different result… unless its SharePoint…  you gotta try the same thing at least five times to be sure.

Keep it all in perspective

Unless you are a hostage negotiator, surgeon, a member of the armed forces or something similar, your failure is probably not THAT big in the grand scheme of things. Bad things happen. Life isn’t always fair. You will fail at some point. Maybe that failure allows you to spend more time with a family member. Maybe it gets you noticed by the right person. Maybe it forces you to grow in very uncomfortable, but necessary ways.

I never said failure was ever going to be fun, but it can make life an adventure… And it can absolutely be worth it.